I’m really, really trying hard to do this preview. Really. It’s taking a lot from me just to open a Word document and start typing. That’s how much I am uninterested in previewing this game. I don’t even know what I could possibly say about it. But enough stalling, here it is. Guitar Hero: Van Halen.

Even the name makes me cringe. Not because it’s Van Halen you understand. I may not be a fan of their music, but I appreciate that other people like them and therefore they must be good to deserve a game based (almost) entirely around them. No, I cringe at the “Guitar Hero” part of the title, two words that are beginning to plague my mind like an infestation of angry rats gnawing at my brain. Every goddamn month another one comes out, and every goddamn month I have to play another goddamn demo to see if there are any changes.

Are there any changes, I hear you ask? No. None at all. In fact, the series has now regressed. That’s right, the relative quality of Guitar Hero 5 has been tossed out of the window and we’re right back in World Tour territory. Or, rather, GH: Metallica territory, what with the single band idea being used. It’s back to mediocre graphics, rockers with pointy faces, and all the other stuff that made World Tour a pretty dull game. I actually want to hunt down the people who made this… THING (and it isn’t Neversoft, oh no, they palmed it off to another company) and scream at them until they break down into tears and close their doors.

*ahem*

I’m not going to tell you about the gameplay, because really, at this stage, what’s the point? You must have played a Guitar Hero game. You’re not just on this website for laughs, you’re probably looking for a guide to a game, which means you play them, and if you play games you’ve played Guitar Hero at least once. And since you’re on this website, you can go look at my Band Hero preview instead. It’s the same game, trust me. Go ahead, go. Come back when you’re done. You back? Got the details? Good. That was easy.

As previously mentioned, the graphics are identical to the ones from GH: World Tour, so I guess it’s nice that they’re being consistent. The support bands present have the same jagged faces that were almost terrifying, but they move about on stage like a band would, so that’s cool. I don’t know what Van Halen look like, so I guess their characters are good representations of them? The character models themselves look better than the support acts, which just goes to show what fame can do, right?

Sound in a GH game almost always comes down to the songs you can play, and here we have 47 songs. Yes, forty-seven playable songs. I’m fairly certain The Beatles: Rock Band managed about that number or more, and that was using one band alone, rather than filling gaps with other music. 28 of the tracks are Van Halen’s own, although you may remember “Hot For Teacher” being on, surprise surprise, GH: World Tour, which means you’ve got 27 tracks you’ve not played before. Oh, and “You Really Got Me” was on GH2, so actually that’s 26 songs you haven’t played before.

And that’s just the Van Halen songs. Of the 19 other acts available (many of whom I don’t think have any connection to Van Halen, tenuous or not), 4 songs have appeared on either a Rock Band or Guitar Hero game in the songs available, and I’m fairly certain some of them are available as Rock Band DLC. So, again, you’ve probably played a fair few of these before.

But with regards to the sound itself, it really feels like you’re just playing along to a recording. The crowd only kick in at the beginning and end of a song, aside from the occasional “woop” from the same audience member, which gets repeated every now and then to remind you that you’re not in the studio. Aside from that, all the sound effects are intact, and… yeah.

I’m really not sure what else I can say. If you pre-ordered GH5, and you live in the big ol’ US of A, then you already have this game, and know more about it than me. If, you didn’t pre-order said iteration of Guitar Hero, or, like me, you’re European and didn’t get offered that deal, then you can get a demo now. It comes in at 1GB of space though, so I recommend you go back and play GH: World Tour instead. It’s the same game. Here’s to the next one.

To anyone interested, GH: Van Halen comes out on the 22nd of December.

Think I’m being too harsh? Agree completely? Tell us about it in the comments!