I don’t care what kind of smoke someone is trying to blow up your skirt, but if anyone tries to tell you that COD5 is anything but a WWII reskin / expansion pack of COD4 you need to immediately punch them in the dick for being fucking liars.

I defy anyone to tell me what the fuck is actually innovative about this game? It’s the Call of Duty 4 engine with the graphics changed. On the surface if you love COD4 there is nothing wrong with World at War except for the fact that they are ass raping you $60 for a glorified Map Pack. So since it’s the Call of Duty 4 engine which stands up pretty good in online play why the fuck is this shit so damn laggy?

It’s the mother fucking same game and it lags balls all over the place. You can play normalcore where on your screen you are unloading a full clip into someone’s back and you are cursing their mother for being a filthy whore and wondering how the fuck they are still alive, while on their screen it’s probably going more like this:

Reginald (the ass pirate you are shooting): Why Barclay I do believe someone is trying to shoot me.
Barclay (the ass pirate’s friend): Oh Reginald that sounds absolutely dreadful. Whatever are you going to do about it?
Reginald: Why I think I’m going to turn around and shoot him back.
Barclay: Reginald that is a splendid idea.
Reginald: Well here I go. [Reginald slowly turns. Fires once and you’re DEAD]. Why Barclay I got that little bugger good.
Barclay: Good show old chap. Good show indeed.

Now replay that fucking conversation for the next 20 minutes and you have an idea of how a typical multiplayer session of COD5 goes.

Tanks are the pinnacle of bullshit online. You have to have an anti-tank class as one of your 5 packages or just kiss your ass good-bye when those maps come up in the rotation. I’d rather have a 500 lb fat chick cover herself in glue and glass and steamroll my naked body then play COD3 online for fun, but the one fucking thing they did that was cool was the tank mounting. If you could get your queer ass up to the tank then you could actually blow it up.

Playing through the single player on Veteran is a challenge unto itself. It’s no fucking wonder the Nazis lost the war, if World at War is any indication the entire fucking German and Japanese armies were expected to tote around an entire fucking case of grenades and their modus operandi was to use that entire fucking crate of grenades on each and every soldier they see. How can a war effort be maintained when the whole army is tired off their ass from dragging crates of grenades around? At least luckily for them they can still pick you off from across the map if you even poke the smallest part of your body out from behind cover so they have that going for them also.

By the way Keifer actually did a fantastic job and it’s nice to see games actually using voice actors that know how to act instead of some queer intern whose only acting credit was in his Uncle John’s visionary production of “Boy Takes off Pants and Blows Uncle John”. The problem arises in online play where the same line is heard every other second. Halo 3 had somewhere in the neighborhood of 35,000 lines of dialogue, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask that in online they throw in a little variety.

The only thing they got even remotely right is Zombie Mode. Shooting Zombie Nazis in the head is a past time that anyone can enjoy. Zombie is a 4 player co-op mode that pits you and your friends against wave after wave of more and more zombies that get harder and harder to kill. You earn money for kills that you can use to repair your defenses, buy new areas of the house, and purchase weapons. Running around that building hoping to get Ray Guns and boarding up windows with 3 of your friends is the only enjoyable part of World at War. They still managed to fuck up Zombie mode by making it so damn hard to unlock. You have to finish the game solo; co-op is a no go, to even open it. Treyarch should just open up Zombie mode to everyone and put all their efforts into making more and better maps for Zombie.

Overall World at War is a glorified expansion pack to Modern Warfare and only manages to deliver one nugget of joy in the entire experience and that is Zombie mode. As I have said they would have been better served to focus on this mode and it could only benefit them from allowing more people to play it quicker. If Treyarch can fix the lag issues at least their online would be playable, but still does not offer any improvements over previous Call of Duty games. My suggestion to players would be to stick to Call of Duty 4 and start sending stalker style e-mails to Infinity Ward to get them to release another map pack.

Contact: - swaggers